HOPE

I was driving one day with my youngest son seated beside me. He had just had a difficult moment and I was talking it through with him. To better understand this sweet moment that came next, there's something you need to to know about my son....

When my son was about a year old, I started to notice he was a little different. He stopped making eye contact with everyone but me, and that wasn't very often. The few babbling words that he had, he lost. He didn't sleep very much, so neither did I. He lined everything up and would sit on a shelf drooling and staring at his fingers for hours. When he wasn't on the shelf he was screaming at me and, I swear, trying to kill me! I had him tested and my greatest fear became reality. He was autistic. 

I was told that he would never talk and to just love him the way he is. That wasn't acceptable to me. I loved him enough to fight for him and wasn't going to give up on him. Over the next few years he was in over 40 hours of therapy a week. Not to mention all the other interventions that I tried. Also during that time, my oldest was diagnosed with Asperger's, a higher functioning autism. 

Within the next five years, my boys were diagnosed with autism, bipolar, OCD, and ADHD. My oldest had added diagnoses of dyskinesia and panic/anxiety disorder. My life as I knew it, and the dreams that I had were over! My life was therapy! My life was crazy! All the time. The meltdowns alone were enough to drive anyone over the edge! But that wasn't an option for me, I am all my kids have got. I have to keep fighting and holding on to hope that someday, it will get better!

Slowly, my youngest began to talk! Not just talk, we discovered that he had been teaching himself how to read and do math as well. Yes, he's a very smart kid! But don't misunderstand, he isn't cured! Oh no, we still have meltdowns and crazy behavior. But we have communication and relationship as well!

During all of those years, the issues with my boys, my own health problems, the end of my marriage, my dad passing away, so many times I wanted to give up! But something inside me could never give up hope! This can't be as good as it gets! I have to believe that things are going to get better!!

As I stated, on this day we were in the car, my son had been having a rough day. I told him about something I had recently read. A project called Word 365. How, instead of making and breaking New Year's resolutions, you pick one word to focus on throughout the year. I asked him if he would consider a word that might help him to grow and encourage him throughout the year. He liked that idea and immediately came up with a word! A word that I had no idea what it meant! "Um...ok....I don't know how to relate that word to your life, son, how about you pick another word!" I smiled at him while he pondered another moment and then very thoughtfully spoke the word, "Triumph!" "Wow, that's quite an amazing word, buddy!! I think that is perfect for you! Can you think of some things you want to triumph this year?" He soberly responded, "my behavior." Bless his sweet heart. "I absolutely know you can do it!" 

I told him how much I loved his word and that I wanted to pick a word as well but needed to think about what my word would be. We were stopped at a red light and he put his hand on my shoulder, "Hope, mom." Oh my! Tears welled up in my eyes and my heart skipped a beat then pounded hard into my chest! This is the word that has been a never ending theme in my life for so many years, spoken from my child of hope. "You found my word, sweetie. Thank you, it's perfect!" 

I later doodled this sketch of what hope has been to me: an anchor to my soul and the song in my heart! I remember so many times that seemed so bleak and desolate. I felt the only thing I could do was hold on and nothing more. Crying out, "Oh please, dear God, make something better!" 

My kids have progressed far beyond what I was told they could ever accomplish. Even though the end of my marriage was devastating, God had something way better for me!! Again, don't misunderstand, my life isn't a bed of roses! There are still many challenges that cry for hope. But I think after years of conditioning my brain and my heart to hold on for something better, my eyes began to see the good all around me! When I look for every opportunity to be thankful, it encourages my hopeful heart!

This Crazy Little Thing Called Blog

I have had an itch to write a book for a number of years now. I keep telling myself that, not only am I not a writer, I just don't have the attention span to write much more than a Haiku! But that doesn't stop me from wanting to write. That's what attracted me to blogging. A place where I can write as little or as much as I feel like writing, in no particular order, or even about anything in particular!
Being that I'm really not the type of person that just rushes into things, I sat for about a year, contemplating a blog of my own. Well, I didn't just sit, I moved a couple of times, got married, went through a few changes in life! During all of that, the desire to start writing kept getting bigger. Multiple things would go through my head each day that I wanted to write about. Not that I feel anyone else would be interested in reading anything I write, more for my own remembrance. I think it's important to remember the steps we've taken in life that have brought us to where we are and who we are. And I've learned that as I get older, it's harder to remember everything!
It wasn't as easy to get this thing going as I thought it would be! That might be silly to most, but I am not incredibly computer savvy! At one point, I threw my laptop aside exclaiming, "This is supposed to be fun! This is supposed to be a way for me to relieve tension, not create more!!" My sweet, supportive husband reassured me that I wasn't stupid, tried to help me figure it out, then encouraged me to just take a break! A very wise man.  
It had just been a rough day from the start. Both my kids had decided to be obstinate and difficult that morning. Nothing new, it just rained on the good mood I woke up in. I told them not to talk to me unless it was a respectful apology and I proceeded to walk out the door in search of peaceful solitude in the back yard. Which I found, and again it stirred the desire to write!
I went inside and created my blog. As I said, it was frustrating, but I did it! I sat staring at my accomplishment, eager to start this journey! I sat... and I sat?? What about everything that I've been wanting to write about for years?? Where did it all go?? You can't get writer's block before you even start writing! Can you?! I figured that I was just too overcome with excitement about this new potential at my fingertips. Creating the blog was probably enough for one day. Get a good night's sleep and start writing tomorrow.
The good night's sleep never happened. Wide awake from 1 am till half an hour before my alarm was set to go off at 5 am. Yes, I was mulling over things I wanted to write about. But more than that, I was not feeling well. Nothing new, but a little bit more than usual. This week has been particularly stressful. My husband just got laid off. Probably getting sick from the bundle of emotions letting down. So while I would rather be taking time out of a busy day to write instead of being sick in bed, it feels good to start writing.