Well, another year under my belt in this journey called life. Last year was quite the year! In November of 2013, I already had my One Word picked out for the new year ahead, "Release". As soon as the word entered my heart, a chill went through my body. "Oh boy, what is in store for me?!" The chill was appropriate.
I already knew that there were some big changes ahead, I just had no idea how big!
My oldest would be turning 18 in May, and graduating high school... I thought. My husband had lost his job in July and we had decided to take a huge leap of faith and open our own tea and water store. We had projected our opening to be in August 2014... we thought.
Life has a "funny" way of keeping you on your toes, to say the least.
Prior to my son's birthday, the ongoing issues that were a constant battle began to intensify as he approached the new age of entitled independence. We, again and again had laid out the rules, only this time there was a different consequence, "If you refuse to follow our rules, you are making the choice to not live here anymore."
I thought for sure that would work and he would respectfully submit. I was painfully wrong, and in late September he decided to leave. Adding to the pain of his departure was his wrongful assumption that he could just crash with friends, which landed him living on the street for the next two weeks.
Seeing my child stubbornly suffer so needlessly was the most painful two weeks of my life!
There came a point when I, along with my husband and my son's biological father, realized that he's just not getting it and this is not a safe environment for him. His dad agreed to pay for an apartment and give him one year to get it together and prove himself. It is still the most painful process to watch, but I cannot give up hope!
At the same time this stress was occurring, my husband and I were working our fingers to the bone trying to get our store open. As time and obstacles progressed, it became painfully obvious that we were not opening our doors in August. But after many hurdles, we opened our beautiful store, PuraTea Water, in November 2014!! And I am having the time of my life working with my best friend!
Again, as all of THAT was going on, I had some unexpected health issues. Not only had I been diagnosed with candida in March, which led to a very restrictive ongoing diet, but unfortunately many more health issues have been surfacing.
Needless to say, "release" has played, and continues to play, a huge role in my life! I had to release the expectations that I had for my son and release the pain inflicted, as well as release myself from feeling guilty. I had to release so many desires of doing certain things that I couldn't do because of my health. I know that these will continue to be a work in progress as new emotions reveal themselves. I also had to release the expectations of our store opening earlier and release the fear that comes with financial instability of unemployment.
Each word I choose seems builds on the last one and my prayer is that I'm being shaped into a better person.
Which leads me to choosing my word for this year....
In December, as I reflected on 2014, a desire kept ringing in my heart for restoration! Restoration of my relationship with my son, restoration of my health, restoration of our finances! As I contemplated choosing "restore" as my word, I soon came to the conclusion that restoration is entirely too much out of my hands! I'm doing everything I know how to restore my relationship with my son. I'm doing everything I can to be as healthy as I can be, and my health seems to continue to decline. Our store is doing well, but I have no control over our long term financial stability. There are no guarantees in life, certainly no guarantee that these situations will resolve the way my heart wants them to. I will keep doing everything in my power, but I needed to pick another word. As the end of the year was upon me, I was feeling downhearted that I had not picked ONE word yet.
Contentment came to mind and quickly left as that word often has a taunting way about it. "Just be happy with what you've got, even though you could have more....just give up and be content." I know that's not what contentment really means, but that's how I was feeling. There are things in my life that I'm not okay with being content with, I want them to be better! That may or may not happen, but that's what I'm praying for. What I need to lay hold of is knowing that in this moment in time, what I have is enough! I'm so thankful that I have as much of a relationship with my son as I do, but I pray for more! I'm so thankful to be as healthy as I am, but I pray for better health! But for now, this has to be enough. I need to be okay with enough, for now. Who I am is enough. What I can accomplish and do physically is enough. My weight is enough. Also, to recognize all negativity and drama that has been in my life, and as much as I can help it, I want to learn how to not allow any more! I've had enough! Even as I write this, I'm questioning, "Is this enough?!"
Yes, as this word settles inside me, I know, this is my word for this year! Enough!
