A Mother's Plea

I find it interesting what life throws when we make a resolve. I recently felt as though I were being entirely too negative and complainatory (yes, I made up that word) and resolved to stop! So I informed my friends that they were not allowed to ask me about my health or my children! They all responded the same, "Then what will we talk about?!" Sad really.
Situations quickly unfolded making both the only topic of conversation. The most pressing on my heart, obviously, my children. My oldest in particular. He has made a series of utterly heartbreaking choices that have landed him living on the street. Much to my dismay, I realized this would not be over soon after I encouraged him to reach out for help and I saw the fear of exposure in his eyes and the stubborn resolve to hold onto his ego rather than do what is right. We've all been there. Painful to go through, painful to watch. Being reminded of my own journey, the following came to my heart after I eluded to my pain on Facebook. A lesson I hope my children learn from me some day - soon!

I do not share my pain for pity or for praise. I don't share to gossip or embarrass. I know the shame and bondage of secrets and the exhaustion and betrayal of "keeping up appearances." I know the painful consequences of acting without accountability. I know the misery that accompanies the hopeless feeling that you are alone in your struggles. I've told myself the lies that I can do it alone, no one really cares, I would be a burden, my secrets made me unlovable, and that I was doing a good job at hiding my struggle so it was only hurting me. I pushed people away so they would never know my truth.

Hiding my pain and not asking for help was a symptom of my selfish ego. I robbed myself and others of any good that could come from my pain. We can grow and learn from our struggles, if we allow it, and we can also save another from carrying their burden alone. Isolation adds to suffering.

I share my pain for freedom. For healing, growth, honesty, example, love, relationships. I share to break down the barriers that hold me back. I truly want to be the best person that I can be no matter what it takes.

I have experienced life before and after the mask of deception. Yes, it's scary to be vulnerable, and I'm not suggesting sharing every dirty detail, just the load of your burden. I have found more joy in the genuine honesty of life's ups and downs - not dwelling on the downs but focusing on the ups - than in trying to be someone I'm not.

Every moment in life shapes who we are, for better or for worse. My hardest moments are the ones that have made me the strongest. Even when those moments are a result of my own bad choices. Burying a bad choice doesn't make it go away; and blaming others will only keep you stuck in your struggle. Making the choice to be open and honest about my pain, mistakes, and struggles - not only with myself but with others - removed the shame, guilt, and pride of my secrets and allowed me to change and to heal. I am proud of who I've become. I couldn't say that before, in the darkness of my secrets. I'm not perfect, I still make mistakes, I still have struggles. My drive has changed though, from pretending everything is alright, to wanting to do what is right. This current struggle is one of the most painful times of my life. I know I'm not alone. Perhaps my story will save someone else from unnecessary pain.  But I can only control my own choices, and I choose to look for how I can be better and do better because of this. This is my pain. This is my intent. God help me to be strong.

Beauty and the Yeast

Recently, I made a trip to the doctor and was diagnosed with Candida, an overgrowth of yeast throughout the body. Candida is something I became familiar with over 14 years ago after my youngest was diagnosed with autism and I began researching EVERYTHING! I found that many children with autism also suffer from Candida. I suspected that I did as well, but never realized how serious it was until the doctor looked at me and said, “You’re going to continue to decline if you don’t do something about your health.” Gotta love those wake up calls! So I refreshed my research on it, after all, 14 years was a long time ago, and I discovered that many people with autoimmune and digestive diseases suffer from Candida. I decided I needed to put on my big girl panties and gear up for the long haul! Yes, a very long haul. At the very least, this diet should be strictly adhered to for at least three months. Those with autoimmune and digestive diseases, for at least one year! Lucky me. 

Now, that may not sound like a big deal to those who have had to adhere to a medical diet for many years or even their whole life, but it’s pretty daunting to me! I have definitely gained a huge amount of respect for those with lifelong dietary needs! I’ve only been on this diet for a little under two months, but I know that some of the elements of this diet will be forever. That was a really hard bite of reality for me to swallow. Especially during the first few days and weeks of the diet! It was agonizing! I swear I could feel every little Candida bad guy dying! It was also very challenging mentally. 

A good friend of mine observed that I was having a very emotional time with this diet. I explained the irony of the situation...my years of having an eating disorder, restricting and starving myself, then coming to a place of healing from that and gaining a healthy relationship with food, even ENJOYING food for the first time in my life! Now back to what feels like restricting! Yes, it has been very emotional and difficult! As with many who have eating disorders, I began mine for control. Feeling as though my life was out of control, food was the one thing I could control. 

My life is very crazy and out of my control right now! After a few weeks of pouting about not being able to eat whatever I wanted, I was able to identify that it was triggering those old issues of control. I didn’t realize that I was still taking comfort in controlling what I ate. Being thrown into a situation where I couldn’t do that anymore exposed residual anxiety that I still had about food. Once I made sense of all I was feeling, I was able to turn it around. Now I can see that, even though I will never again be able to eat whatever I want (which isn’t good for me anyway), I am taking control of my health! That feels pretty fantastic!

I am happy to report that almost immediately after starting this diet my heartburn went away and my allergies are so much better! While I am still struggling with feeling very run down, I am hopeful that my body will soon learn how to process the natural forms of energy I’m eating. The “shards of glass” feeling in my gut that I regularly experienced, has greatly improved. I am unsure at this point how much of that was due to the Candida, or a possible gluten intolerance? I eliminated gluten from my diet as well, and upon ingesting a small amount, the “shards of glass” came back. So it looks like I will remain gluten free. I can live with that. 

All in all, I think this diet is doing it’s job! It has been enlightening and difficult, but worth it. The first week felt like a year, but now the time seems to be flying by. I realize it still hasn’t been that long, but I’m proud of myself for sticking to it so faithfully! I am glad that I had a fairly healthy diet to begin with and that I love eating healthy! I am so thankful to my mom who passed on to me her fabulous, creative cooking skills, without which this diet would be unbearable! I’m also so grateful to my wonderful husband, housemate, family, and friends who have eaten some weird stuff with me and have been so supportive! 

I hope this encourages and inspires those who may be struggling with food issues to take control of their health and happiness!

Beautifully Broken

I always tell my kids that they have a choice to be thankful or hateful. Choose joy or misery. Life is all about perspective and choices. Even the most painful seasons in life can have a flip sided blessing. Sometimes it's obvious, other times you have to look long and hard to find it. The hardest is when you can't see it at all! In those situations, choosing to be thankful isn't easy! Most often the best choice is not the easiest one to make.

Perhaps in that lies the blessing. When you make a choice, in the face of difficulty, and say, "This is not going to break me down! I choose joy and hold on to hope!" The strength of character that you gain is priceless. We have no guarantees in life. The only thing we can control is how we choose to respond to what life gives us. I find it more painful to go through a hard situation with, what I call, a "gloom and doom" perspective.

Even still, there are "those" days. Today is a mini one of those days for me and I'm struggling to see the blessing, and struggling to be thankful. My back and my right hip are killing me! My fibromyalgia, Crohn's, and allergies are flared. And, I have a broken finger. (Please forgive the whining!) I have been worse, but I want to be better. I hate my ailments and I hate being a burden on others. My friends all know I have "issues" and they are so wonderful and supportive. They ask me how I'm feeling and I want so badly to say that I'm feeling great, but I can't lie, and they can see it anyway. So I often say, "Body aside, I'm great!" 

Those are my best days that I'm so thankful for! Even though my body is conspiring against me, my mind is in a good place. I tend to go through cycles, like a physical bipolar disorder. I have cycles of less pain and cycles of  a lot of pain. The latter cycle often wears on me mentally and I start feeling down and overwhelmed. It's hard to see the good in those moments. I guess that's where I'm at today. Just so tired of hurting. Hating my body for holding be back from the life I want to live! What is the point and purpose of this?! It's important to recognize that cycle early and quickly make my choice. I have to choose to find something to be thankful for and not wallow in misery. 

TODAY I CHOOSE TO BE THANKFUL FOR.... 

          

....my wonderful husband, family, and friends 

...my health - I know it could be worse!

....my life 

I really do have so much to be thankful for! 

Ahhhh!!!! That feels better! Well, mentally I feel better! No physical leaps of joy or anything, but my spirit feels lighter. I think Pollyanna was onto something with her "Glad Game"!

It may sound corny, but I'm thankful to be a thankful, positive person! I used to struggle tremendously with depression and I'm so very thankful and humbled to be free from that! I can recognize when I'm slipping and the shear memory of my past keeps me from going back down that path. At least I pray I never do again. Knowing what I know now....choosing joy feels so much better. I know where I've been, what I've overcome, and I'm thankful to be where I'm at and who I am.

I was texting a good friend, who struggles with health issues as well, and said to me, "We are both so beautifully broken." At first, I wanted to growl and be bitter, but that's really not who I am, or who my friend is. Which is what I took away from the text. We don't have the easiest life, so many struggles, but we go through it with our heads held high and as best as we can. We are broken, but we are beautiful. We choose to not let our brokenness define us or....break us. 

I don't mean to make it sound like my life is horrible, it most definitely is not! Everyone has their struggles. I wouldn't dream of saying that anyone's is better or worse, because we are all equipped in different ways to handle what we've been given. I have learned that my perspective of those things and how I choose to live with them, make all the difference in the world. And when one of "those" days hit me, I remind myself that it's only a moment and a better moment will come soon!

Release

When I was a little girl, it felt like it took five years from one Christmas to the next! As an adult, it feels like five weeks! Where did 2013 run off to so quickly? It seems like just yesterday I was basking in the delight of being newly engaged. Bustling about, planning our wedding, building a barn (yes, we built a barn in our back yard the month before we wed!), moving, then adjusting to married life and all the transitions that brings with two special needs boys. Thank God, all that went smoothly! I just can't believe the year is already over! 

I started something special with my youngest son last year that I intend to continue this year, OneWord 365. You may have read about some of that journey in my post titled ‘HOPE’. The idea is, instead of making New Year's resolutions that get broken, choose one word to focus on throughout the year. 

My son chose the word triumph and I chose hope. At the close of 2013, we sat and discussed how our word had affected our life during the year. He was able to recognize areas that he experienced triumph, which was quite thrilling, and I shared with him how much hope had inspired me to hold on and not give up. I deeply treasure sharing this special journey with him!

It was very important to me not to forget the impact of this word in my life, so I made a little memorial for myself, reminding me that, "Hope is the anchor to my soul and the song in my heart."

After reflecting on the past year, we made plans for our future word. What one word would be best for us in 2014? What one word would inspire growth and encourage us in the areas we need it most? Again, my son chose the perfect word for himself... focus! You see, my son has inherited a lack of.....ooooo, pretty bird! Yeah. This is a great word for him, probably me too, but I already had another word in mind. 

Let go. Yes, I know, that’s two words. I saw the problem with this as well; coupled with a feeling that two words might be too much for me to handle, so I chose the word release. This word  immediately gripped my soul as hope had done. It also sent a quandary of, "Oh dear, what does this year have in store for me?" Still, I felt it would be a good companion to hope, as I have learned that hope is long suffering and it often requires me to let go of many things, including my fears and expectations. Release. 

There is a line between not letting go of hope, and releasing that which holds you back, or holds you down. 

That truth started for me back when my boys were first diagnosed. I had to go through a grieving process. I couldn’t candy coat their diagnosis with words like “handicapable” because I lived with (and still do) the reality of their limitations every day. I had to grieve the loss of my children. All the hopes and dreams that every parent has for their “typical” child, I had to grieve the death of those dreams. This may sound harsh, but those living this reality, know the loss I speak of. Yes, there is a difference between a child who is physically gone from you forever, and the lost child who remains, but both are a significant loss. No one can say that one is easier or harder than the other.

I am so thankful for my children. They have taught me so much and have enriched my life tremendously! It’s not an easy road though. I had to learn to release my unrealistic expectations, because the nagging of what I’ll never have was holding me back and tearing me down. I had to create new hopes and dreams, and then hold on for dear life! There have been so many times that my kids have exceeded what I ever hoped for; other times I have had to readjust my already adjusted hopes and dreams. This is a never ending process. Release. Never give up hope! 

It has recently come to my attention, that I am entering another stage of grief as my oldest nears adulthood. So many new challenges. I can’t even write more about it at this time because my heart is still trying to process it all. This stage is definitely harder than the first. Release. Never give up hope!

I still have so many hopes and dreams for my kids. I know they are different from most parent’s, that’s just how it is. We all have our struggles and triumphs. I’m thankful for both. Somedays more than others, but I know how blessed I am!

*You can find out more about OneWord 365 at:  oneword365.com

It's not okay! But I am.

Often times in my yoga class, the instructor will have us in a funky pose and then say, "Can you be okay with where you are right now?"

That's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately. Followed quickly by the question, "Is it really okay to be okay with not okay??!!" 

I mean, it's pretty easy to be okay with where you are at when everything is wonderful! But what about those funky poses life throws at you? 

I imagine being in a car accident, stuck in a burning car, the paramedics approach and say, "Ma'am, we need you to just be okay with where you are at right now." And then they walk away. 

"Ummmm..... no, thank you! Please get me out of here!!" I would be shouting, fighting for my life! The idea of acquiescing to a bad situation is unfavorable. To passively agree without protest, when there might be more that you can do, is that really okay?! 

It's understandable coming to that place when it is so clearly all that is left to do. You have fought the good fight. You have done everything within your power to do everything within your power! Come to peace with what is about to happen. Sure, there is a time for that. And when that time comes, I pray I will be okay with where I am. But until then....I have to keep fighting!

These situations are a no brainer for me. The choice is clear. But what about when the battle lines are fuzzy? We all have battles we don't know how to fight; we have an obligation to do something, but there is no clear, right answer. There is no promise or guarantee that it won't be hard or painful. Regardless of the outcome, how do I come to a place where I am okay, not the situation, but ME! Can I be okay in where I'm at right now? 

This is a difficult subject for me to write about now, because I am facing one of those "not okay" situations where I have an obligation to do something but there is no right answer for what it is that I should do! I'd like to think that if I could control the situation, it would be okay. Maybe I would make more of a mess? But knowing that it is COMPLETELY out of my control is a very helpless and even scary thought. The only thing I can control is ME. How do I go through this and come out on the other side; a miserable, bitter wreck? Or someone who did her very best? With all the love and hard work that's in me, and then some. It's my choice. I choose victory and I won't give up on Hope. That's not an easy choice, but it's one worth fighting for! And perhaps, just maybe, controlling my input will change the "not okay" situation to a better one? Even if it doesn't, I will be better, I will be okay with where I am at right now.

I recently rediscovered the verse Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in it's time." This verse sings to my weary soul! There is a time for everything, and someday, where I'm at will be beautiful. Even pain can produce beauty. I've got a lot of beautiful coming my way! 

So for now....I have to keep fighting, hoping, trusting, praying, loving, caring, laughing, breathing, finding joy in everything possible, and searching to always do the right thing.

Just a Sec!

“To be with you for one more second”

This little phrase, and a long list of people, popped into my mind today as I was sitting with my husband. I remembered when we were dating and how we just hated to say good-bye! We would hold each other as long as we could until the moment of departure was inevitable. Just give me one more second to hold you!  We’ve been together for two and a half years, I still feel the same way, I just can’t get enough seconds with him! 

Then I started thinking about my boys. It seems like just yesterday they were born. Tiny babies in my arms! Just give me one more second to hold you!  Then I hear myself telling them to wait a second and before I know it, my oldest is a senior and almost 18 years old, and my youngest is almost 16 years old!! Where did time go? In one more second they’ll be grown! I still want to hold them longer. Give me all the seconds in the world!

But that’s the problem with life, we never know when that last second is going to happen.

We’re coming up on the time of year when my dad passed away from a long, grueling battle with cancer. It will be five years on October 8th, and it just doesn’t get any easier. I think of him all the time; and the tears flow. My Papa Bear. How much I miss him! I still catch myself thinking about telling him something, then the sad realization hits me that I can’t. When I look back at how much has happened in the last five years that I’ve missed sharing with him, my heart weeps. What I wouldn’t give to be with him for just one more second. I'm so thankful to know my that dad loved me, and I know he knew how much I love him, but I wish I had told him more. This is the only picture I have of just my dad and I together. I didn't realize this until after he died and we were preparing for his funeral. Yeah, that broke my heart!

I tell my husband and boys that I love them all the time (and I make a point to take lots of pictures too!), but I hope they know how much I truly love them with every beat of my heart!! I know it’s hard as a kid to understand why parents do certain things. At that age we have such a narrow scope of life, fairly self-centered, and generally it isn’t until adulthood that we understand and appreciate our parents and can see life beyond ourselves. Believe me when I say that I apologize and thank my mom on a regular basis! Coming to that understanding and maturity opened up a deeper level of love in my life. I pray that I have enough time with my boys to see them reach that level!! Not that I’m wanting the apologies and the thanks! Although, that would be nice! I want them to have fond memories of me, as I have of my dad, and I want to see them come to that place of knowing how deeply loved they are and watch them as they learn to really love others. 

There are so many people in my life that I love and cherish. I regret my inadequacies at expressing my emotions to them. Do they truly know how much I love them? If this were our last second, would they know how much they mean to me? Was the last memory we made together a happy one? I haven’t spent enough seconds with the ones I love and I know that it is impossible to ever spend enough, but I don’t want to miss out or take for granted the seconds that I can spend. I guess I’m feeling a bit pensive as this time of year hits home again. Wishing I could slow down time and hold the ones I love closer. 

         No one knows which will be their last second....or the last memory they give to those left behind. Make each one count.

....and take lots of pictures!

HOPE

I was driving one day with my youngest son seated beside me. He had just had a difficult moment and I was talking it through with him. To better understand this sweet moment that came next, there's something you need to to know about my son....

When my son was about a year old, I started to notice he was a little different. He stopped making eye contact with everyone but me, and that wasn't very often. The few babbling words that he had, he lost. He didn't sleep very much, so neither did I. He lined everything up and would sit on a shelf drooling and staring at his fingers for hours. When he wasn't on the shelf he was screaming at me and, I swear, trying to kill me! I had him tested and my greatest fear became reality. He was autistic. 

I was told that he would never talk and to just love him the way he is. That wasn't acceptable to me. I loved him enough to fight for him and wasn't going to give up on him. Over the next few years he was in over 40 hours of therapy a week. Not to mention all the other interventions that I tried. Also during that time, my oldest was diagnosed with Asperger's, a higher functioning autism. 

Within the next five years, my boys were diagnosed with autism, bipolar, OCD, and ADHD. My oldest had added diagnoses of dyskinesia and panic/anxiety disorder. My life as I knew it, and the dreams that I had were over! My life was therapy! My life was crazy! All the time. The meltdowns alone were enough to drive anyone over the edge! But that wasn't an option for me, I am all my kids have got. I have to keep fighting and holding on to hope that someday, it will get better!

Slowly, my youngest began to talk! Not just talk, we discovered that he had been teaching himself how to read and do math as well. Yes, he's a very smart kid! But don't misunderstand, he isn't cured! Oh no, we still have meltdowns and crazy behavior. But we have communication and relationship as well!

During all of those years, the issues with my boys, my own health problems, the end of my marriage, my dad passing away, so many times I wanted to give up! But something inside me could never give up hope! This can't be as good as it gets! I have to believe that things are going to get better!!

As I stated, on this day we were in the car, my son had been having a rough day. I told him about something I had recently read. A project called Word 365. How, instead of making and breaking New Year's resolutions, you pick one word to focus on throughout the year. I asked him if he would consider a word that might help him to grow and encourage him throughout the year. He liked that idea and immediately came up with a word! A word that I had no idea what it meant! "Um...ok....I don't know how to relate that word to your life, son, how about you pick another word!" I smiled at him while he pondered another moment and then very thoughtfully spoke the word, "Triumph!" "Wow, that's quite an amazing word, buddy!! I think that is perfect for you! Can you think of some things you want to triumph this year?" He soberly responded, "my behavior." Bless his sweet heart. "I absolutely know you can do it!" 

I told him how much I loved his word and that I wanted to pick a word as well but needed to think about what my word would be. We were stopped at a red light and he put his hand on my shoulder, "Hope, mom." Oh my! Tears welled up in my eyes and my heart skipped a beat then pounded hard into my chest! This is the word that has been a never ending theme in my life for so many years, spoken from my child of hope. "You found my word, sweetie. Thank you, it's perfect!" 

I later doodled this sketch of what hope has been to me: an anchor to my soul and the song in my heart! I remember so many times that seemed so bleak and desolate. I felt the only thing I could do was hold on and nothing more. Crying out, "Oh please, dear God, make something better!" 

My kids have progressed far beyond what I was told they could ever accomplish. Even though the end of my marriage was devastating, God had something way better for me!! Again, don't misunderstand, my life isn't a bed of roses! There are still many challenges that cry for hope. But I think after years of conditioning my brain and my heart to hold on for something better, my eyes began to see the good all around me! When I look for every opportunity to be thankful, it encourages my hopeful heart!