It's not okay! But I am.

Often times in my yoga class, the instructor will have us in a funky pose and then say, "Can you be okay with where you are right now?"

That's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately. Followed quickly by the question, "Is it really okay to be okay with not okay??!!" 

I mean, it's pretty easy to be okay with where you are at when everything is wonderful! But what about those funky poses life throws at you? 

I imagine being in a car accident, stuck in a burning car, the paramedics approach and say, "Ma'am, we need you to just be okay with where you are at right now." And then they walk away. 

"Ummmm..... no, thank you! Please get me out of here!!" I would be shouting, fighting for my life! The idea of acquiescing to a bad situation is unfavorable. To passively agree without protest, when there might be more that you can do, is that really okay?! 

It's understandable coming to that place when it is so clearly all that is left to do. You have fought the good fight. You have done everything within your power to do everything within your power! Come to peace with what is about to happen. Sure, there is a time for that. And when that time comes, I pray I will be okay with where I am. But until then....I have to keep fighting!

These situations are a no brainer for me. The choice is clear. But what about when the battle lines are fuzzy? We all have battles we don't know how to fight; we have an obligation to do something, but there is no clear, right answer. There is no promise or guarantee that it won't be hard or painful. Regardless of the outcome, how do I come to a place where I am okay, not the situation, but ME! Can I be okay in where I'm at right now? 

This is a difficult subject for me to write about now, because I am facing one of those "not okay" situations where I have an obligation to do something but there is no right answer for what it is that I should do! I'd like to think that if I could control the situation, it would be okay. Maybe I would make more of a mess? But knowing that it is COMPLETELY out of my control is a very helpless and even scary thought. The only thing I can control is ME. How do I go through this and come out on the other side; a miserable, bitter wreck? Or someone who did her very best? With all the love and hard work that's in me, and then some. It's my choice. I choose victory and I won't give up on Hope. That's not an easy choice, but it's one worth fighting for! And perhaps, just maybe, controlling my input will change the "not okay" situation to a better one? Even if it doesn't, I will be better, I will be okay with where I am at right now.

I recently rediscovered the verse Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in it's time." This verse sings to my weary soul! There is a time for everything, and someday, where I'm at will be beautiful. Even pain can produce beauty. I've got a lot of beautiful coming my way! 

So for now....I have to keep fighting, hoping, trusting, praying, loving, caring, laughing, breathing, finding joy in everything possible, and searching to always do the right thing.

Just a Sec!

“To be with you for one more second”

This little phrase, and a long list of people, popped into my mind today as I was sitting with my husband. I remembered when we were dating and how we just hated to say good-bye! We would hold each other as long as we could until the moment of departure was inevitable. Just give me one more second to hold you!  We’ve been together for two and a half years, I still feel the same way, I just can’t get enough seconds with him! 

Then I started thinking about my boys. It seems like just yesterday they were born. Tiny babies in my arms! Just give me one more second to hold you!  Then I hear myself telling them to wait a second and before I know it, my oldest is a senior and almost 18 years old, and my youngest is almost 16 years old!! Where did time go? In one more second they’ll be grown! I still want to hold them longer. Give me all the seconds in the world!

But that’s the problem with life, we never know when that last second is going to happen.

We’re coming up on the time of year when my dad passed away from a long, grueling battle with cancer. It will be five years on October 8th, and it just doesn’t get any easier. I think of him all the time; and the tears flow. My Papa Bear. How much I miss him! I still catch myself thinking about telling him something, then the sad realization hits me that I can’t. When I look back at how much has happened in the last five years that I’ve missed sharing with him, my heart weeps. What I wouldn’t give to be with him for just one more second. I'm so thankful to know my that dad loved me, and I know he knew how much I love him, but I wish I had told him more. This is the only picture I have of just my dad and I together. I didn't realize this until after he died and we were preparing for his funeral. Yeah, that broke my heart!

I tell my husband and boys that I love them all the time (and I make a point to take lots of pictures too!), but I hope they know how much I truly love them with every beat of my heart!! I know it’s hard as a kid to understand why parents do certain things. At that age we have such a narrow scope of life, fairly self-centered, and generally it isn’t until adulthood that we understand and appreciate our parents and can see life beyond ourselves. Believe me when I say that I apologize and thank my mom on a regular basis! Coming to that understanding and maturity opened up a deeper level of love in my life. I pray that I have enough time with my boys to see them reach that level!! Not that I’m wanting the apologies and the thanks! Although, that would be nice! I want them to have fond memories of me, as I have of my dad, and I want to see them come to that place of knowing how deeply loved they are and watch them as they learn to really love others. 

There are so many people in my life that I love and cherish. I regret my inadequacies at expressing my emotions to them. Do they truly know how much I love them? If this were our last second, would they know how much they mean to me? Was the last memory we made together a happy one? I haven’t spent enough seconds with the ones I love and I know that it is impossible to ever spend enough, but I don’t want to miss out or take for granted the seconds that I can spend. I guess I’m feeling a bit pensive as this time of year hits home again. Wishing I could slow down time and hold the ones I love closer. 

         No one knows which will be their last second....or the last memory they give to those left behind. Make each one count.

....and take lots of pictures!

HOPE

I was driving one day with my youngest son seated beside me. He had just had a difficult moment and I was talking it through with him. To better understand this sweet moment that came next, there's something you need to to know about my son....

When my son was about a year old, I started to notice he was a little different. He stopped making eye contact with everyone but me, and that wasn't very often. The few babbling words that he had, he lost. He didn't sleep very much, so neither did I. He lined everything up and would sit on a shelf drooling and staring at his fingers for hours. When he wasn't on the shelf he was screaming at me and, I swear, trying to kill me! I had him tested and my greatest fear became reality. He was autistic. 

I was told that he would never talk and to just love him the way he is. That wasn't acceptable to me. I loved him enough to fight for him and wasn't going to give up on him. Over the next few years he was in over 40 hours of therapy a week. Not to mention all the other interventions that I tried. Also during that time, my oldest was diagnosed with Asperger's, a higher functioning autism. 

Within the next five years, my boys were diagnosed with autism, bipolar, OCD, and ADHD. My oldest had added diagnoses of dyskinesia and panic/anxiety disorder. My life as I knew it, and the dreams that I had were over! My life was therapy! My life was crazy! All the time. The meltdowns alone were enough to drive anyone over the edge! But that wasn't an option for me, I am all my kids have got. I have to keep fighting and holding on to hope that someday, it will get better!

Slowly, my youngest began to talk! Not just talk, we discovered that he had been teaching himself how to read and do math as well. Yes, he's a very smart kid! But don't misunderstand, he isn't cured! Oh no, we still have meltdowns and crazy behavior. But we have communication and relationship as well!

During all of those years, the issues with my boys, my own health problems, the end of my marriage, my dad passing away, so many times I wanted to give up! But something inside me could never give up hope! This can't be as good as it gets! I have to believe that things are going to get better!!

As I stated, on this day we were in the car, my son had been having a rough day. I told him about something I had recently read. A project called Word 365. How, instead of making and breaking New Year's resolutions, you pick one word to focus on throughout the year. I asked him if he would consider a word that might help him to grow and encourage him throughout the year. He liked that idea and immediately came up with a word! A word that I had no idea what it meant! "Um...ok....I don't know how to relate that word to your life, son, how about you pick another word!" I smiled at him while he pondered another moment and then very thoughtfully spoke the word, "Triumph!" "Wow, that's quite an amazing word, buddy!! I think that is perfect for you! Can you think of some things you want to triumph this year?" He soberly responded, "my behavior." Bless his sweet heart. "I absolutely know you can do it!" 

I told him how much I loved his word and that I wanted to pick a word as well but needed to think about what my word would be. We were stopped at a red light and he put his hand on my shoulder, "Hope, mom." Oh my! Tears welled up in my eyes and my heart skipped a beat then pounded hard into my chest! This is the word that has been a never ending theme in my life for so many years, spoken from my child of hope. "You found my word, sweetie. Thank you, it's perfect!" 

I later doodled this sketch of what hope has been to me: an anchor to my soul and the song in my heart! I remember so many times that seemed so bleak and desolate. I felt the only thing I could do was hold on and nothing more. Crying out, "Oh please, dear God, make something better!" 

My kids have progressed far beyond what I was told they could ever accomplish. Even though the end of my marriage was devastating, God had something way better for me!! Again, don't misunderstand, my life isn't a bed of roses! There are still many challenges that cry for hope. But I think after years of conditioning my brain and my heart to hold on for something better, my eyes began to see the good all around me! When I look for every opportunity to be thankful, it encourages my hopeful heart!

This Crazy Little Thing Called Blog

I have had an itch to write a book for a number of years now. I keep telling myself that, not only am I not a writer, I just don't have the attention span to write much more than a Haiku! But that doesn't stop me from wanting to write. That's what attracted me to blogging. A place where I can write as little or as much as I feel like writing, in no particular order, or even about anything in particular!
Being that I'm really not the type of person that just rushes into things, I sat for about a year, contemplating a blog of my own. Well, I didn't just sit, I moved a couple of times, got married, went through a few changes in life! During all of that, the desire to start writing kept getting bigger. Multiple things would go through my head each day that I wanted to write about. Not that I feel anyone else would be interested in reading anything I write, more for my own remembrance. I think it's important to remember the steps we've taken in life that have brought us to where we are and who we are. And I've learned that as I get older, it's harder to remember everything!
It wasn't as easy to get this thing going as I thought it would be! That might be silly to most, but I am not incredibly computer savvy! At one point, I threw my laptop aside exclaiming, "This is supposed to be fun! This is supposed to be a way for me to relieve tension, not create more!!" My sweet, supportive husband reassured me that I wasn't stupid, tried to help me figure it out, then encouraged me to just take a break! A very wise man.  
It had just been a rough day from the start. Both my kids had decided to be obstinate and difficult that morning. Nothing new, it just rained on the good mood I woke up in. I told them not to talk to me unless it was a respectful apology and I proceeded to walk out the door in search of peaceful solitude in the back yard. Which I found, and again it stirred the desire to write!
I went inside and created my blog. As I said, it was frustrating, but I did it! I sat staring at my accomplishment, eager to start this journey! I sat... and I sat?? What about everything that I've been wanting to write about for years?? Where did it all go?? You can't get writer's block before you even start writing! Can you?! I figured that I was just too overcome with excitement about this new potential at my fingertips. Creating the blog was probably enough for one day. Get a good night's sleep and start writing tomorrow.
The good night's sleep never happened. Wide awake from 1 am till half an hour before my alarm was set to go off at 5 am. Yes, I was mulling over things I wanted to write about. But more than that, I was not feeling well. Nothing new, but a little bit more than usual. This week has been particularly stressful. My husband just got laid off. Probably getting sick from the bundle of emotions letting down. So while I would rather be taking time out of a busy day to write instead of being sick in bed, it feels good to start writing.