A Mother's Plea

I find it interesting what life throws when we make a resolve. I recently felt as though I were being entirely too negative and complainatory (yes, I made up that word) and resolved to stop! So I informed my friends that they were not allowed to ask me about my health or my children! They all responded the same, "Then what will we talk about?!" Sad really.
Situations quickly unfolded making both the only topic of conversation. The most pressing on my heart, obviously, my children. My oldest in particular. He has made a series of utterly heartbreaking choices that have landed him living on the street. Much to my dismay, I realized this would not be over soon after I encouraged him to reach out for help and I saw the fear of exposure in his eyes and the stubborn resolve to hold onto his ego rather than do what is right. We've all been there. Painful to go through, painful to watch. Being reminded of my own journey, the following came to my heart after I eluded to my pain on Facebook. A lesson I hope my children learn from me some day - soon!

I do not share my pain for pity or for praise. I don't share to gossip or embarrass. I know the shame and bondage of secrets and the exhaustion and betrayal of "keeping up appearances." I know the painful consequences of acting without accountability. I know the misery that accompanies the hopeless feeling that you are alone in your struggles. I've told myself the lies that I can do it alone, no one really cares, I would be a burden, my secrets made me unlovable, and that I was doing a good job at hiding my struggle so it was only hurting me. I pushed people away so they would never know my truth.

Hiding my pain and not asking for help was a symptom of my selfish ego. I robbed myself and others of any good that could come from my pain. We can grow and learn from our struggles, if we allow it, and we can also save another from carrying their burden alone. Isolation adds to suffering.

I share my pain for freedom. For healing, growth, honesty, example, love, relationships. I share to break down the barriers that hold me back. I truly want to be the best person that I can be no matter what it takes.

I have experienced life before and after the mask of deception. Yes, it's scary to be vulnerable, and I'm not suggesting sharing every dirty detail, just the load of your burden. I have found more joy in the genuine honesty of life's ups and downs - not dwelling on the downs but focusing on the ups - than in trying to be someone I'm not.

Every moment in life shapes who we are, for better or for worse. My hardest moments are the ones that have made me the strongest. Even when those moments are a result of my own bad choices. Burying a bad choice doesn't make it go away; and blaming others will only keep you stuck in your struggle. Making the choice to be open and honest about my pain, mistakes, and struggles - not only with myself but with others - removed the shame, guilt, and pride of my secrets and allowed me to change and to heal. I am proud of who I've become. I couldn't say that before, in the darkness of my secrets. I'm not perfect, I still make mistakes, I still have struggles. My drive has changed though, from pretending everything is alright, to wanting to do what is right. This current struggle is one of the most painful times of my life. I know I'm not alone. Perhaps my story will save someone else from unnecessary pain.  But I can only control my own choices, and I choose to look for how I can be better and do better because of this. This is my pain. This is my intent. God help me to be strong.