I must admit though that I got a bit frustrated with my word this year! I tend to be an over-achiever, trying to do more, trying to be more, trying to take on more, and just "enough" often feels like failure. Which led me to my new word, but that will have to wait....
First, a quick recap of events.
Our tea shop just celebrated our one year anniversary! There have been so many ups and downs, but we are still here, and I'm still having the time of my life! I love our shop, I love working with my best friend, and I love our customers!
My oldest got evicted from his apartment and moved in with a friend in Tempe. I have seen a lot of growth in him and I am honestly so proud of him. Despite a series of bad choices, he has persevered through very difficult times! He's my fighter! And I love that about him!
My youngest was diagnosed with Crohn's disease this year; that was a very hard blow. (Incidentally, 'courage' is the word he picked for himself this year and I think it's the perfect word for him as I know that he already possesses so much of it, but I'm excited for him to recognize it in himself as he faces this battle!) Having Crohn's disease myself, I hate knowing the difficult lifelong road he has ahead of him. As a mother, I want my kids to have painless, happy lives! But I know that pain is necessary and it can often be the greatest teacher if we allow ourselves to learn from it and not be bitter.
My youngest also turned 18 this year, another hard blow....when did I get this old?! The older he gets, the heavier the weight of his need for care gets and the more painful the awareness that he cannot function in society. I have petitioned for permanent guardianship which will be official on January 6, 2016. What a process that has been and I will be glad when it's over!
When I sat down to write this, my heart was so heavy as I have been pondering his immediate future a lot recently. I know that every parent worries about their children, but at some point, at some age, the worry lessens as they mature and become more independent and capable. That isn't the case when you have a child with a disability. Or at the very least, it takes a lot longer to ever get to that point! I thought that writing out my pain would help, but it's actually too painful to even put into words and I don't want to dwell on the difficulties. I know them all too well. I live with them every day and I don't need or want to be reminded of them. He has come so far and I am so proud of him! He's an amazing young man with a very tender heart! That doesn't erase the disability or lessen his need for constant supervision, but it has to be enough.
My greatest hope for both of my children is to have true joy in their lives! I also hope that someday they will look at the obstacles in their lives with an awareness of the strength that it has given them! I'm so grateful for them and I can't imagine one second of life without them.
As for me, I have continued with my new way of eating: no sugar, no gluten. It has truly changed my life and I now annoy all my loved ones with rants about the evils of the bio toxin that is sugar!
Despite "enough", I still wish I could do more. More for my kids, my husband, our shop, friends and family. I have often felt this year that my best is just never good enough. No matter how hard I try, it's NOT enough. That's a driving force that always pushes me to grow, pushes me to do and be my best! Enough beating myself up for my failures and shortcomings! I have learned this year that I can only do what I can do and it HAS to be enough because it's all I have! I have learned that as long as I see growth and progress with my kids, that's enough. Enough lamenting about where they "should" be. I wish I had more time to spend with family and friends, but I'm so thankful for the time we do have together and I cherish it more now than ever before!! I don't feel like it's enough, but I'll take every moment I can!
All of this has led me to my new word for 2016: NURTURE. I originally was going to pick 'encourage', but I felt that nurture takes it a step further and to a deeper level. I'm pretty excited about this one as I have been feeling a little overly cynical and calloused by life! I don't ever want to lose compassion or become neglectful because I've been hurt too many times. I want to push myself beyond just words of encouragement to look for opportunities to genuinely nurture and care for others and myself. I think that 'enough' laid some necessary ground work for me to embrace 'nurture' more fully. I am more aware of the boundaries I need to have with myself in situations when I've had enough negativity and when I've done enough. I'm still learning to cut myself some slack and I hope that nurture will be the perfect tool to help along the way!
No comments:
Post a Comment