2016: Nurture

It seems as though my blog has become more of an "end of the year recap" instead of a more regular journal as I had hoped for it to be. That's okay, it's still accomplishing what I intended....a reminder of what I'm learning in this journey through insanity. My last blog was introducing my word for 2015: Enough. Ironically, as I would love to write more, I have to be okay with what I can do. One post per year is enough right now.

I must admit though that I got a bit frustrated with my word this year! I tend to be an over-achiever, trying to do more, trying to be more, trying to take on more, and just "enough" often feels like failure. Which led me to my new word, but that will have to wait....

First, a quick recap of events. 

Our tea shop just celebrated our one year anniversary! There have been so many ups and downs, but we are still here, and I'm still having the time of my life! I love our shop, I love working with my best friend, and I love our customers!

My oldest got evicted from his apartment and moved in with a friend in Tempe. I have seen a lot of growth in him and I am honestly so proud of him. Despite a series of bad choices, he has persevered through very difficult times! He's my fighter! And I love that about him!

My youngest was diagnosed with Crohn's disease this year; that was a very hard blow. (Incidentally, 'courage' is the word he picked for himself this year and I think it's the perfect word for him as I know that he already possesses so much of it, but I'm excited for him to recognize it in himself as he faces this battle!) Having Crohn's disease myself, I hate knowing the difficult lifelong road he has ahead of him. As a mother, I want my kids to have painless, happy lives! But I know that pain is necessary and it can often be the greatest teacher if we allow ourselves to learn from it and not be bitter. 

My youngest also turned 18 this year, another hard blow....when did I get this old?! The older he gets, the heavier the weight of his need for care gets and the more painful the awareness that he cannot function in society. I have petitioned for permanent guardianship which will be official on January 6, 2016. What a process that has been and I will be glad when it's over! 

When I sat down to write this, my heart was so heavy as I have been pondering his immediate future a lot recently. I know that every parent worries about their children, but at some point, at some age, the worry lessens as they mature and become more independent and capable. That isn't the case when you have a child with a disability. Or at the very least, it takes a lot longer to ever get to that point! I thought that writing out my pain would help, but it's actually too painful to even put into words and I don't want to dwell on the difficulties. I know them all too well. I live with them every day and I don't need or want to be reminded of them. He has come so far and I am so proud of him! He's an amazing young man with a very tender heart! That doesn't erase the disability or lessen his need for constant supervision, but it has to be enough.

My greatest hope for both of my children is to have true joy in their lives! I also hope that someday they will look at the obstacles in their lives with an awareness of the strength that it has given them! I'm so grateful for them and I can't imagine one second of life without them.

As for me, I have continued with my new way of eating: no sugar, no gluten. It has truly changed my life and I now annoy all my loved ones with rants about the evils of the bio toxin that is sugar! 

Despite "enough", I still wish I could do more. More for my kids, my husband, our shop, friends and family. I have often felt this year that my best is just never good enough. No matter how hard I try, it's NOT enough. That's a driving force that always pushes me to grow, pushes me to do and be my best! Enough beating myself up for my failures and shortcomings! I have learned this year that I can only do what I can do and it HAS to be enough because it's all I have! I have learned that as long as I see growth and progress with my kids, that's enough. Enough lamenting about where they "should" be. I wish I had more time to spend with family and friends, but I'm so thankful for the time we do have together and I cherish it more now than ever before!! I don't feel like it's enough, but I'll take every moment I can! 

All of this has led me to my new word for 2016: NURTURE. I originally was going to pick 'encourage', but I felt that nurture takes it a step further and to a deeper level. I'm pretty excited about this one as I have been feeling a little overly cynical and calloused by life! I don't ever want to lose compassion or become neglectful because I've been hurt too many times. I want to push myself beyond just words of encouragement to look for opportunities to genuinely nurture and care for others and myself. I think that 'enough' laid some necessary ground work for me to embrace 'nurture' more fully. I am more aware of the boundaries I need to have with myself in situations when I've had enough negativity and when I've done enough. I'm still learning to cut myself some slack and I hope that nurture will be the perfect tool to help along the way!

2015 Enough....

Well, another year under my belt in this journey called life. Last year was quite the year! In November of 2013, I already had my One Word picked out for the new year ahead, "Release". As soon as the word entered my heart, a chill went through my body. "Oh boy, what is in store for me?!" The chill was appropriate.

I already knew that there were some big changes ahead, I just had no idea how big!

My oldest would be turning 18 in May, and graduating high school... I thought. My husband had lost his job in July and we had decided to take a huge leap of faith and open our own tea and water store. We had projected our opening to be in August 2014... we thought.

Life has a "funny" way of keeping you on your toes, to say the least.

Prior to my son's birthday, the ongoing issues that were a constant battle began to intensify as he approached the new age of entitled independence. We, again and again had laid out the rules, only this time there was a different consequence, "If you refuse to follow our rules, you are making the choice to not live here anymore."

I thought for sure that would work and he would respectfully submit. I was painfully wrong, and in late September he decided to leave. Adding to the pain of his departure was his wrongful assumption that he could just crash with friends, which landed him living on the street for the next two weeks.

Seeing my child stubbornly suffer so needlessly was the most painful two weeks of my life!

There came a point when I, along with my husband and my son's biological father, realized that he's just not getting it and this is not a safe environment for him. His dad agreed to pay for an apartment and give him one year to get it together and prove himself. It is still the most painful process to watch, but I cannot give up hope!

At the same time this stress was occurring, my husband and I were working our fingers to the bone trying to get our store open. As time and obstacles progressed, it became painfully obvious that we were not opening our doors in August. But after many hurdles, we opened our beautiful store, PuraTea Water, in November 2014!! And I am having the time of my life working with my best friend!

Again, as all of THAT was going on, I had some unexpected health issues. Not only had I been diagnosed with candida in March, which led to a very restrictive ongoing diet, but unfortunately many more health issues have been surfacing. 

Needless to say, "release" has played, and continues to play, a huge role in my life! I had to release the expectations that I had for my son and release the pain inflicted, as well as release myself from feeling guilty. I had to release so many desires of doing certain things that I couldn't do because of my health. I know that these will continue to be a work in progress as new emotions reveal themselves. I also had to release the expectations of our store opening earlier and release the fear that comes with financial instability of unemployment. 

Each word I choose seems builds on the last one and my prayer is that I'm being shaped into a better person.

Which leads me to choosing my word for this year.... 

In December, as I reflected on 2014, a desire kept ringing in my heart for restoration! Restoration of my relationship with my son, restoration of my health, restoration of our finances! As I contemplated choosing "restore" as my word, I soon came to the conclusion that restoration is entirely too much out of my hands! I'm doing everything I know how to restore my relationship with my son. I'm doing everything I can to be as healthy as I can be, and my health seems to continue to decline. Our store is doing well, but I have no control over our long term financial stability. There are no guarantees in life, certainly no guarantee that these situations will resolve the way my heart wants them to. I will keep doing everything in my power, but I needed to pick another word. As the end of the year was upon me, I was feeling downhearted that I had not picked ONE word yet. 

Contentment came to mind and quickly left as that word often has a taunting way about it. "Just be happy with what you've got, even though you could have more....just give up and be content." I know that's not what contentment really means, but that's how I was feeling. There are things in my life that I'm not okay with being content with, I want them to be better! That may or may not happen, but that's what I'm praying for. What I need to lay hold of is knowing that in this moment in time, what I have is enough! I'm so thankful that I have as much of a relationship with my son as I do, but I pray for more! I'm so thankful to be as healthy as I am, but I pray for better health! But for now, this has to be enough. I need to be okay with enough, for now. Who I am is enough. What I can accomplish and do physically is enough. My weight is enough. Also, to recognize all negativity and drama that has been in my life, and as much as I can help it, I want to learn how to not allow any more! I've had enough! Even as I write this, I'm questioning, "Is this enough?!" 

Yes, as this word settles inside me, I know, this is my word for this year! Enough! 

A Mother's Plea

I find it interesting what life throws when we make a resolve. I recently felt as though I were being entirely too negative and complainatory (yes, I made up that word) and resolved to stop! So I informed my friends that they were not allowed to ask me about my health or my children! They all responded the same, "Then what will we talk about?!" Sad really.
Situations quickly unfolded making both the only topic of conversation. The most pressing on my heart, obviously, my children. My oldest in particular. He has made a series of utterly heartbreaking choices that have landed him living on the street. Much to my dismay, I realized this would not be over soon after I encouraged him to reach out for help and I saw the fear of exposure in his eyes and the stubborn resolve to hold onto his ego rather than do what is right. We've all been there. Painful to go through, painful to watch. Being reminded of my own journey, the following came to my heart after I eluded to my pain on Facebook. A lesson I hope my children learn from me some day - soon!

I do not share my pain for pity or for praise. I don't share to gossip or embarrass. I know the shame and bondage of secrets and the exhaustion and betrayal of "keeping up appearances." I know the painful consequences of acting without accountability. I know the misery that accompanies the hopeless feeling that you are alone in your struggles. I've told myself the lies that I can do it alone, no one really cares, I would be a burden, my secrets made me unlovable, and that I was doing a good job at hiding my struggle so it was only hurting me. I pushed people away so they would never know my truth.

Hiding my pain and not asking for help was a symptom of my selfish ego. I robbed myself and others of any good that could come from my pain. We can grow and learn from our struggles, if we allow it, and we can also save another from carrying their burden alone. Isolation adds to suffering.

I share my pain for freedom. For healing, growth, honesty, example, love, relationships. I share to break down the barriers that hold me back. I truly want to be the best person that I can be no matter what it takes.

I have experienced life before and after the mask of deception. Yes, it's scary to be vulnerable, and I'm not suggesting sharing every dirty detail, just the load of your burden. I have found more joy in the genuine honesty of life's ups and downs - not dwelling on the downs but focusing on the ups - than in trying to be someone I'm not.

Every moment in life shapes who we are, for better or for worse. My hardest moments are the ones that have made me the strongest. Even when those moments are a result of my own bad choices. Burying a bad choice doesn't make it go away; and blaming others will only keep you stuck in your struggle. Making the choice to be open and honest about my pain, mistakes, and struggles - not only with myself but with others - removed the shame, guilt, and pride of my secrets and allowed me to change and to heal. I am proud of who I've become. I couldn't say that before, in the darkness of my secrets. I'm not perfect, I still make mistakes, I still have struggles. My drive has changed though, from pretending everything is alright, to wanting to do what is right. This current struggle is one of the most painful times of my life. I know I'm not alone. Perhaps my story will save someone else from unnecessary pain.  But I can only control my own choices, and I choose to look for how I can be better and do better because of this. This is my pain. This is my intent. God help me to be strong.

Beauty and the Yeast

Recently, I made a trip to the doctor and was diagnosed with Candida, an overgrowth of yeast throughout the body. Candida is something I became familiar with over 14 years ago after my youngest was diagnosed with autism and I began researching EVERYTHING! I found that many children with autism also suffer from Candida. I suspected that I did as well, but never realized how serious it was until the doctor looked at me and said, “You’re going to continue to decline if you don’t do something about your health.” Gotta love those wake up calls! So I refreshed my research on it, after all, 14 years was a long time ago, and I discovered that many people with autoimmune and digestive diseases suffer from Candida. I decided I needed to put on my big girl panties and gear up for the long haul! Yes, a very long haul. At the very least, this diet should be strictly adhered to for at least three months. Those with autoimmune and digestive diseases, for at least one year! Lucky me. 

Now, that may not sound like a big deal to those who have had to adhere to a medical diet for many years or even their whole life, but it’s pretty daunting to me! I have definitely gained a huge amount of respect for those with lifelong dietary needs! I’ve only been on this diet for a little under two months, but I know that some of the elements of this diet will be forever. That was a really hard bite of reality for me to swallow. Especially during the first few days and weeks of the diet! It was agonizing! I swear I could feel every little Candida bad guy dying! It was also very challenging mentally. 

A good friend of mine observed that I was having a very emotional time with this diet. I explained the irony of the situation...my years of having an eating disorder, restricting and starving myself, then coming to a place of healing from that and gaining a healthy relationship with food, even ENJOYING food for the first time in my life! Now back to what feels like restricting! Yes, it has been very emotional and difficult! As with many who have eating disorders, I began mine for control. Feeling as though my life was out of control, food was the one thing I could control. 

My life is very crazy and out of my control right now! After a few weeks of pouting about not being able to eat whatever I wanted, I was able to identify that it was triggering those old issues of control. I didn’t realize that I was still taking comfort in controlling what I ate. Being thrown into a situation where I couldn’t do that anymore exposed residual anxiety that I still had about food. Once I made sense of all I was feeling, I was able to turn it around. Now I can see that, even though I will never again be able to eat whatever I want (which isn’t good for me anyway), I am taking control of my health! That feels pretty fantastic!

I am happy to report that almost immediately after starting this diet my heartburn went away and my allergies are so much better! While I am still struggling with feeling very run down, I am hopeful that my body will soon learn how to process the natural forms of energy I’m eating. The “shards of glass” feeling in my gut that I regularly experienced, has greatly improved. I am unsure at this point how much of that was due to the Candida, or a possible gluten intolerance? I eliminated gluten from my diet as well, and upon ingesting a small amount, the “shards of glass” came back. So it looks like I will remain gluten free. I can live with that. 

All in all, I think this diet is doing it’s job! It has been enlightening and difficult, but worth it. The first week felt like a year, but now the time seems to be flying by. I realize it still hasn’t been that long, but I’m proud of myself for sticking to it so faithfully! I am glad that I had a fairly healthy diet to begin with and that I love eating healthy! I am so thankful to my mom who passed on to me her fabulous, creative cooking skills, without which this diet would be unbearable! I’m also so grateful to my wonderful husband, housemate, family, and friends who have eaten some weird stuff with me and have been so supportive! 

I hope this encourages and inspires those who may be struggling with food issues to take control of their health and happiness!

Beautifully Broken

I always tell my kids that they have a choice to be thankful or hateful. Choose joy or misery. Life is all about perspective and choices. Even the most painful seasons in life can have a flip sided blessing. Sometimes it's obvious, other times you have to look long and hard to find it. The hardest is when you can't see it at all! In those situations, choosing to be thankful isn't easy! Most often the best choice is not the easiest one to make.

Perhaps in that lies the blessing. When you make a choice, in the face of difficulty, and say, "This is not going to break me down! I choose joy and hold on to hope!" The strength of character that you gain is priceless. We have no guarantees in life. The only thing we can control is how we choose to respond to what life gives us. I find it more painful to go through a hard situation with, what I call, a "gloom and doom" perspective.

Even still, there are "those" days. Today is a mini one of those days for me and I'm struggling to see the blessing, and struggling to be thankful. My back and my right hip are killing me! My fibromyalgia, Crohn's, and allergies are flared. And, I have a broken finger. (Please forgive the whining!) I have been worse, but I want to be better. I hate my ailments and I hate being a burden on others. My friends all know I have "issues" and they are so wonderful and supportive. They ask me how I'm feeling and I want so badly to say that I'm feeling great, but I can't lie, and they can see it anyway. So I often say, "Body aside, I'm great!" 

Those are my best days that I'm so thankful for! Even though my body is conspiring against me, my mind is in a good place. I tend to go through cycles, like a physical bipolar disorder. I have cycles of less pain and cycles of  a lot of pain. The latter cycle often wears on me mentally and I start feeling down and overwhelmed. It's hard to see the good in those moments. I guess that's where I'm at today. Just so tired of hurting. Hating my body for holding be back from the life I want to live! What is the point and purpose of this?! It's important to recognize that cycle early and quickly make my choice. I have to choose to find something to be thankful for and not wallow in misery. 

TODAY I CHOOSE TO BE THANKFUL FOR.... 

          

....my wonderful husband, family, and friends 

...my health - I know it could be worse!

....my life 

I really do have so much to be thankful for! 

Ahhhh!!!! That feels better! Well, mentally I feel better! No physical leaps of joy or anything, but my spirit feels lighter. I think Pollyanna was onto something with her "Glad Game"!

It may sound corny, but I'm thankful to be a thankful, positive person! I used to struggle tremendously with depression and I'm so very thankful and humbled to be free from that! I can recognize when I'm slipping and the shear memory of my past keeps me from going back down that path. At least I pray I never do again. Knowing what I know now....choosing joy feels so much better. I know where I've been, what I've overcome, and I'm thankful to be where I'm at and who I am.

I was texting a good friend, who struggles with health issues as well, and said to me, "We are both so beautifully broken." At first, I wanted to growl and be bitter, but that's really not who I am, or who my friend is. Which is what I took away from the text. We don't have the easiest life, so many struggles, but we go through it with our heads held high and as best as we can. We are broken, but we are beautiful. We choose to not let our brokenness define us or....break us. 

I don't mean to make it sound like my life is horrible, it most definitely is not! Everyone has their struggles. I wouldn't dream of saying that anyone's is better or worse, because we are all equipped in different ways to handle what we've been given. I have learned that my perspective of those things and how I choose to live with them, make all the difference in the world. And when one of "those" days hit me, I remind myself that it's only a moment and a better moment will come soon!

Release

When I was a little girl, it felt like it took five years from one Christmas to the next! As an adult, it feels like five weeks! Where did 2013 run off to so quickly? It seems like just yesterday I was basking in the delight of being newly engaged. Bustling about, planning our wedding, building a barn (yes, we built a barn in our back yard the month before we wed!), moving, then adjusting to married life and all the transitions that brings with two special needs boys. Thank God, all that went smoothly! I just can't believe the year is already over! 

I started something special with my youngest son last year that I intend to continue this year, OneWord 365. You may have read about some of that journey in my post titled ‘HOPE’. The idea is, instead of making New Year's resolutions that get broken, choose one word to focus on throughout the year. 

My son chose the word triumph and I chose hope. At the close of 2013, we sat and discussed how our word had affected our life during the year. He was able to recognize areas that he experienced triumph, which was quite thrilling, and I shared with him how much hope had inspired me to hold on and not give up. I deeply treasure sharing this special journey with him!

It was very important to me not to forget the impact of this word in my life, so I made a little memorial for myself, reminding me that, "Hope is the anchor to my soul and the song in my heart."

After reflecting on the past year, we made plans for our future word. What one word would be best for us in 2014? What one word would inspire growth and encourage us in the areas we need it most? Again, my son chose the perfect word for himself... focus! You see, my son has inherited a lack of.....ooooo, pretty bird! Yeah. This is a great word for him, probably me too, but I already had another word in mind. 

Let go. Yes, I know, that’s two words. I saw the problem with this as well; coupled with a feeling that two words might be too much for me to handle, so I chose the word release. This word  immediately gripped my soul as hope had done. It also sent a quandary of, "Oh dear, what does this year have in store for me?" Still, I felt it would be a good companion to hope, as I have learned that hope is long suffering and it often requires me to let go of many things, including my fears and expectations. Release. 

There is a line between not letting go of hope, and releasing that which holds you back, or holds you down. 

That truth started for me back when my boys were first diagnosed. I had to go through a grieving process. I couldn’t candy coat their diagnosis with words like “handicapable” because I lived with (and still do) the reality of their limitations every day. I had to grieve the loss of my children. All the hopes and dreams that every parent has for their “typical” child, I had to grieve the death of those dreams. This may sound harsh, but those living this reality, know the loss I speak of. Yes, there is a difference between a child who is physically gone from you forever, and the lost child who remains, but both are a significant loss. No one can say that one is easier or harder than the other.

I am so thankful for my children. They have taught me so much and have enriched my life tremendously! It’s not an easy road though. I had to learn to release my unrealistic expectations, because the nagging of what I’ll never have was holding me back and tearing me down. I had to create new hopes and dreams, and then hold on for dear life! There have been so many times that my kids have exceeded what I ever hoped for; other times I have had to readjust my already adjusted hopes and dreams. This is a never ending process. Release. Never give up hope! 

It has recently come to my attention, that I am entering another stage of grief as my oldest nears adulthood. So many new challenges. I can’t even write more about it at this time because my heart is still trying to process it all. This stage is definitely harder than the first. Release. Never give up hope!

I still have so many hopes and dreams for my kids. I know they are different from most parent’s, that’s just how it is. We all have our struggles and triumphs. I’m thankful for both. Somedays more than others, but I know how blessed I am!

*You can find out more about OneWord 365 at:  oneword365.com

It's not okay! But I am.

Often times in my yoga class, the instructor will have us in a funky pose and then say, "Can you be okay with where you are right now?"

That's a question I've been asking myself a lot lately. Followed quickly by the question, "Is it really okay to be okay with not okay??!!" 

I mean, it's pretty easy to be okay with where you are at when everything is wonderful! But what about those funky poses life throws at you? 

I imagine being in a car accident, stuck in a burning car, the paramedics approach and say, "Ma'am, we need you to just be okay with where you are at right now." And then they walk away. 

"Ummmm..... no, thank you! Please get me out of here!!" I would be shouting, fighting for my life! The idea of acquiescing to a bad situation is unfavorable. To passively agree without protest, when there might be more that you can do, is that really okay?! 

It's understandable coming to that place when it is so clearly all that is left to do. You have fought the good fight. You have done everything within your power to do everything within your power! Come to peace with what is about to happen. Sure, there is a time for that. And when that time comes, I pray I will be okay with where I am. But until then....I have to keep fighting!

These situations are a no brainer for me. The choice is clear. But what about when the battle lines are fuzzy? We all have battles we don't know how to fight; we have an obligation to do something, but there is no clear, right answer. There is no promise or guarantee that it won't be hard or painful. Regardless of the outcome, how do I come to a place where I am okay, not the situation, but ME! Can I be okay in where I'm at right now? 

This is a difficult subject for me to write about now, because I am facing one of those "not okay" situations where I have an obligation to do something but there is no right answer for what it is that I should do! I'd like to think that if I could control the situation, it would be okay. Maybe I would make more of a mess? But knowing that it is COMPLETELY out of my control is a very helpless and even scary thought. The only thing I can control is ME. How do I go through this and come out on the other side; a miserable, bitter wreck? Or someone who did her very best? With all the love and hard work that's in me, and then some. It's my choice. I choose victory and I won't give up on Hope. That's not an easy choice, but it's one worth fighting for! And perhaps, just maybe, controlling my input will change the "not okay" situation to a better one? Even if it doesn't, I will be better, I will be okay with where I am at right now.

I recently rediscovered the verse Ecclesiastes 3:11, "He has made everything beautiful in it's time." This verse sings to my weary soul! There is a time for everything, and someday, where I'm at will be beautiful. Even pain can produce beauty. I've got a lot of beautiful coming my way! 

So for now....I have to keep fighting, hoping, trusting, praying, loving, caring, laughing, breathing, finding joy in everything possible, and searching to always do the right thing.